He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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