If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
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