If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Randomize
