Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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