Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
