she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
