Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
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