I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
