I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
My vagina just recognized that song.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Randomize
