Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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