I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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