He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
