Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
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As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
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Let's have sex in an apple orchard
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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