Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
