Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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