I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
