Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Randomize
