Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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