I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
