I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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