I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
