Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
