Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
