I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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