he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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