Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
