my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
