Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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