so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
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In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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