Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
it was like having sex with a tree stump
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
