...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
