his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Randomize
