my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
They have beer where we have blood.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
