i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
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