Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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