i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
