hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
