last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
