At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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