He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
