Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
