I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
