There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
