she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
