I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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