On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
