She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Randomize
