I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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