I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
