yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
