i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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