Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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