Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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