I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
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