My liver just broke up with me...
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
