I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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