seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
