I'm gonna have a badass scar
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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